Loving guidance from a broken toy compass.

   I have been feeling stuck for a good while now. It hasn't been fun. I am going through a lot of life changes and transitions which are challenging and tiring! Processing big life changes can be overwhelming! I'm not looking to delve too deep into personal matters here, to respect my family's privacy but you can say I've definitely been going through a growth spurt. With all these life changes (marital separation, family changes and two residential moves in one year), you could say I've felt a little bit unfocused to say the least! Thankfully, I have an abundance of tools in my belt, and a great spiritual support system that I rely on regularly. I also am blessed with wonderful friends that support, encourage and love me in all my uniqueness! 
    I have been praying for answers for a good year now about life changes, knowing there is a new exciting path ahead, but not knowing where it is or how to get there. I feel like I've been on "pause" , in the void, in waiting, all of the above! I have prayed on my knees, crying, asking God and my angels to show me how, when, why and what to do! I got amazing signs that will be shared soon that inspired me, uplifted me and strengthened my faith immensely, but still no direction!
   This summer I was feeling particularly lost one day and down emotionally and I gave  a heart felt surrender to God and said "please show me which direction to go in, I've lost my way" I had a good cry, and then I went to the beach to relax and clear my energies. I was wading upon the shore line in deep refection and reverence of the beauty around me. I then noticed something hot pink bopping upon the waves about 5 feet out in front of me. Naturally, being the environmentally conscious individual that i am, I retrieved it from the ocean! To my surprise it was a hot pink plastic toy compass! It was a clip on (kind of like a carabiner). OMG!! REALLY? I was thrilled , this was a sign! I was amazed at the instant answer from my prayer! Wow! I now had a magical compass to guide me! After I got over the magic and wonder of this sign from above, I noticed that it was broken! The compass only worked sometimes! What kind of a sign is this I thought? Am I broken? Is there no hope for me? At first I was distraught and then I laughed realizing it is a toy compass and I was being guided to not worry and let loose, have fun! This was a perfect message for me!
    To go back a bit and explain my state of emotion, last summer my business slowed down and I became anxious and worried about money. I was stressing, fretting, trying to brainstorm and come up with ideas, classes, any and everything to make money. Nothing took, it was like my business ghosted me! I was also newly separated and re-inventing myself, feeling unsure and scared about my future.
  I had an epiphany that day on the beach holding that hot pink plastic broken toy compass! Its like something clicked in my brain and my inner child took over and said "its play time"! The Universe was giving me a vacation! This wasn't punishment after all! I was supposed to be relaxing, swimming, sunning and resting! When I had this conscious shift, I realized I had enough funds to survive the summer as I had prepaid my rent the previous winter. I had enough money for food and whatever I needed with the business that was still flowing. So then and there upon the beach, I decided I was on vacation! How empowering to switch from feeling unsuccessful to empowered! A fresh outlook and shift in perspective set me straight! I would choose to embrace my time off, enjoy live music and friends and heal the parts of me that needed love. I felt intuitively that God wanted me to process all the emotional changes in my life, take a break, a time out to heal and rest. When was my last real vacation? Over a year ago anyways , so I was due!
   I gave myself permission to put all my concerns on the back burner at least for the summer or until I had clarity . I gave myself permission to not try to decide where I would be living in the near future, or worrying if my son was going to return to college or stay with me. We had been living in a very tiny cottage on Duxbury Bay. It was a magical retreat but not meant for two people! This close proximity to each other was actually a blessing and a bonding experience for us both. Noah was healing through some issues and I was too, and we were as a family. 
  I finally surrendered to this too, that its okay to live in a small space temporarily if necessary. All our basic needs were met for safety, food and comfort. It was just a tiny space (one big room) and a private bathroom. Noah was always thoughtful and respectful when I needed to go to bed early. Him seeing me go through my challenges allowed him to grow I believe also. He is an amazing old and kind soul, but I had sheltered him from my emotions and making myself vulnerable and opening up to him, helped me and him and us! I think I had sheltered him for a long time! He is an adult now, almost 21! I learned its okay to be honest, open and vulnerable, even if I'm not right! I always question how much is okay to share as a parent, but there comes a point when you recognize your child as an adult and living in such small quarters everything became transparent! There was no hiding anything!
  Fast forward to now, we have since moved into an amazing apartment with plenty of room in a fabulous location for us both! We are loving it! I'm not sure if I had been actually stuck or waiting for something to shift, or if I was finally maybe ready to shift? It felt like I had been waiting for something for 6 months! It did help when Noah made some decisions about his living situation preferences and he decided to take some time off from college. This allowed me to move forward, and the Universe, God , the Angels and all divine assistance conspired to help me! So many magical and serendipitous things happened to amaze me! It was like the Universe gave me a green light, a thumbs up and miracles came my way! I had been living in a furnished apartment for a year as I was starting over in all ways ! I had no furniture or appliances! I had my musical instruments, my clothes and my favorite pans and plants and some sentimental items. I found this amazing apartment and they wanted me to move in in two weeks! How was I going to pull this off during Christmas time (which is super busy at my office), and come up with a good lump sum of money, and furnish a whole house in two weeks? I have no idea! I think it's because I must be a tad bit crazy to think I could pull it off! My friends rushed to my side, offering furniture, appliances, and new gifts! I am so blessed! My friends supported me and encouraged me to go for it! It's like the the red carpet was laid out and I was shown how to receive! It was kind of humbling for me to need everything and feel so vulnerable! My friends showered me with love, telling me I give to others so often and it was my time to receive. Wow, I was and am so grateful! So filled with love and gratitude!      Finally the energy was shifting and I at least could ground in a home and start fresh! Going through a divorce is a grieving process, even when it's on good terms. I am also blessed that my ex husband and I have chosen to divorce with love. It is still hard though and I had an immense amount of grief to process and probably will for a while. 
   Here is where I am going with all of this, I recently had another break though when I realized I need to love everything more! I came into my office one morning, and looked around at all the plants that need to be re-potted, the carpet needs to be steam cleaned, the closets need to be cleaned and I need a total re-org of my whole image and website! Jeesh ,that's a lot of love to give! I had been neglecting me, and had been looking for a solution or a new way or a miracle, when the miracle is me! The miracle is the love I have for all the gifts I already have! I have all the tools I need ( especially my broken compass)! 
I now know I need to love myself more, my plants, my gifts, my weaknesses, my friends, my family, all of it! Seems so simple saying it now! It was an aha moment for me! I do need to purge old energies and things, declutter, re-organize and restructure my business to reflect my current self. I had been going along status quo, and my website and business plan no longer fits the new me! The new me who is ready to come out of the spiritual closet, and let her freak flag fly! The new me who does not need to try so hard, to control the outcome, or be perfect! This new me wants to accept all that is, and become gentler and recognizes that surrendering to receiving, waiting and a slower and gentler approach yields huge rewards and miracles! I am feeling refreshed and ready now to make new changes and am optimistic that I will be successful! 
  I can't seem to find that plastic toy compass, but I do have witnesses and a photo to share. Somehow, I think the compass found its way to a magical portal to go to someone else who needs to be directed to play! My inner compass has been strengthened and I can navigate from here! I am blessed and in gratitude! I live and love all that was and is now and look forward to more magic! Maybe the inner compass is mistakes, successes, worry, grief, and fears! Maybe the inner compass is my feelings and my thoughts! My inner compass has plenty of life experience to guide her! It was in me all along just as the Witch in the Wizard of Oz said! It may need a tune up, a time out in the future, but my inner compass is love and it is here to stay.