Divine musings
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6/27/20
REFLECTIONS
This recent experience getting COV-19 has given me alot of time to rest, reflect and write. I have been journaling like crazy! I have gone through many notebooks! It's amazing what information , ideas and dreams lie hidden below the surface ready to be seen and heard when given the space to do so! I have always loved to write! It comes naturally to me! I love to express myself with words, I find it very catharctic and healing! I love to write poetry, short fantasy stories, songs, jounals, and now a blog! I have been feeling the urge to write about so many things! I have about 10 different books I have begun. This idea came out of my recent healing journey with COV, which I have written a few blogs about already. I am writing in different places as I havent come up with a final landing place for my new blog. I am trying to figure out which site would be best. For now, we begin here! I think thats part of it, seems like I am always waiting for the stars to align, for the perfect blog, the perfect conditions to be present, but this isnt always effective. In my experience this perfectionist tendency can get me "stuck"! So, lately I have been just leting it fly! Im starting! Not sure where all this will lead, or how many books I will write, but it just feels so good to start. My inner muse is giddy and laughing with glee! She has been set free! This 51r year old woman finally doesnt give a crap what people think anymore! I do care about people deeply, do not get me wrong! But, with old age comes an " I dont give a **** " , attitude that feels so liberating! You mean , I dont have to please everyone and worry about what they think?! YAY! It 's fine if you think I'm a bit off my rocker, honestly I prefer to be this way! It is so much more enjoyable to be in my creative mind than my logical brain! I am more of the creative type anyhow, my logical brain doesnt always work well in a linear fashion! Graphs, numbers and the such frighten my poor brain! She just longs to be free, to color the world with words and ideas and beautiful messages of healing, peace and love! Im finally feeling free to express myself and I am filled with hope and joy about it. I am writing several different books, some about my healing experiences, one about Reiki, one about angels and now COV. I am all over the place! For example, this entry is supposed to be about a self care action plan , instead I am writing about my writing! I tend to be a bit too wordy, see I just love adjectives! Like a painter loves her colours, I love my words! I used to read out of the thesaurus in high school. Yes, I am kind of a geek. I used to love libraries and I visitied all the local libraries on my bike when I was young, then when I could drive I would venture further into several towns and spend hours in the quiet nooks of the library and read, journal and imagine! Indulging in creative thoughts may seem frivolous to the logical adult brain, but it is good therapy. I feel creativity is blossoming within me , and I am excited that whatever had felt stuck is moving!
I do believe we go through natural rythms of life that are productive and integrative. We cannot be doing all the time, we must process, integrate and allow the flowers to bloom in their season. Nature is magical, intelligent and magnificent! When we tune in to Mother Nature/ Earth, we align our bodies with her and this brings us a grounded comfort. Mother Earth will gladly recycle our stressors, and assit us in algining and re-balancing and restoring us fully. I love tuning in to nature, it is where I find peace, either at the beach, in the woods or just sitting on my front porch amoungst my herbal garden and flowers. I have been spending alot of time on the porch recently recovering from CoV. I am grateful to be supported by the Universe during my healing, to be present and to be able to share and express my thoughts.
HEALING as an opportunity for TRANSFORMATiON
6/30/20
I am struggling trying to recover from COV, I need to be honest. This sucks big time! I am lucky to be able to recover at home and not have ended up in the hospital. I am counting my blessings and realizing how much there is to be truly grateful for! I am feeling the need to express myself with honesty, vulnerability and clarity. I am finding through my healing journey, that I have been blessed with a clarity, purpose, and alignment to my soul. I will get back to later later, but for now I am feeling like I am having a hard time. It really isnt fun. Bear with me, I just need to bitch a little! As Im sitting here on my porch, journaling, praying, writing and taking in all the beauty of mother nature and feeling a deep sense of peace and gratitude, my physical body is hurting. My eyes hurt so much, they feel dry in their sockets, I have never experienced this in my life. The gray foggy day hurts my eyes, and I am wearing polaried sunglasses to cut the glare. It is part of post covid viral fatigue syndrome. The eye pain shoots into my sinuses and jaw and feels like I am being stabbed. It waxes and wanes, comes and goes but the past few days it has been intense. Last night I tossed and turned as my head ached , here it felt like someone was stabbing my head over and over and it pulses and feels so strange. I have never had migraines but this must be similar. My feet felt knumb in the middle of the night also like they should be red and swollen, but when I look at them they appear normal. This virus if freaking strange! My wrists ache now as I write this and my head feels spacey. I feel like my blood is like the ocean, swaying back and forth and I am a boat upon the rough sea , trying to keep afloat. My balance feels way off ! It feels like I have the worst hangover ever and Im on a rocking ship , tryihng to keep my balance! My body is not able to do much but I am feeling inspired! Yes, my creative brain is on fire , of this I am grateful, otherwise I dont know how I would spend my time with my weary body not wanting to cooperate. I have such a renewed sense of empathy for people who suffer with debilitating conditions, this is not fun! I am going to let my body have her voice, because she is suffering and needs to be heard to heal. As they say, "feel it to heal it"! Writing is very catharctic for me, as I frequently say. Also, I do wish to help others with my account of this expereince and hopefully bring some tips, tools. hope and peace. I am going to let my body have a voice so that she may heal.
This healing expereicne has taught me so much about myself. It has been catharctic and difficult. This CoV healing jouney has been painful, intense and challenging. I want to write about all of it! I am going to bitch and complain about the symptoms and then I will share the silverlining. I am an optimist at heart! I believe in faith, miracles and blessings! I also have come to realize through this journey that I have never really listened fully to my body's needs. Instead, I push through everything with my stubborn will. But this COV virus has stopped me in my tracks, and forces me to surrender to my healing. I cannot push through the fatigue as it causes me to become dizzier and weaker. I am getting plenty of rest as well as giving myself alot of healthy food, self reiki healing, meditation, prayer, herbal supplements, vitamins, essential oils, healing music and more. Im breaking out all my tools! I am feeling overwhelmed, a tad depressed, scared, grateful and optimistic. All of these qualities would like their say in the matter, would appreiate if you listened to what they have to say.
I am in week 8 of my COV recovery. I am suffering with Post Viral Fatigue Syndrome, (PVFS), which basically triggers symptoms very similar to chronic fatigue syndrom. If I try to push through and will my body with any activity that is not extremely slow and gentle, I have what's called activity induced fatigue, which in turn triggers the symtoms and causes more fatigue. Really there is no choice I have here, other than surrender to my own healing. I will share some medical reports and scientific studies at the end. In my current state I am finding it challenging to listen to my body's need for relaxation, gentleness and rest. It is a challenge to surrender to this when we live in a society that breeds and cultivates over doing, over achieving and over working as beliefs for success! I guess I feel ike a failure on some level that I havent kicked the virus quickly like some have. I drive myself hard and push through chronic lyme, and it has been challenging, but it has taught me the value of self care. I am re-visiting and refining this on a deeper level now! The Corona virus really doesnt give me a choice otherwise ! The work hard motto is exhausting, literally! The lifetyles we have created as a society have exhaused us all greatly, we are disconnected from ourselves, one another and the Earth! I have seen this quarnatine time allow people who are well to find some peace, balacne and connection in their lives. Families are out for bike rides and long walks, people have more time to connect (ironically when we cant see echother up close and personal due to social distancing. I have heard this break from everyday life beacuse of COV has allowed people to re-assess and re-align their values and to seek spiritual connection for peace and healing. There is such a gift inside of this difficulty! Slowing down allows us to listen, connect, heal, revive and restore ourselves to whole. As a society we have really taxed our selves and run ourselves ragged, missing the meaning and quality of life! Is this our optimal state of being? How can we live our lives more connected spiritutally and as a community? As a Reiki Holistic Nurse for 30 years I have seen and cared for those who have suffered from the effects of stress on body, mind and soul. I can witness the interconnectedness of it all. How the body stores emotional traumas in the physical tissues, emotional and physical trauma, and all our thoughts, beliefs and expereinces are kind of " coded" into our energetic " DNA". I will speak more of this later on a greater scale. For myself, having an abundance of free time during my CoV recovery, I am seeing my own patterns emerging. I am feeling, seeing, knowing and sensing so many levels of healing happening for me. Yes, my physical body has been affected by the virus, but I believe all healing challenges are catharctic and give us the opportunity to heal deeply, making neccessary changes to empower and support our greater health. Symptoms essentially are the body speaking to us, saying "Hey! Listen! This is what I'm feeling. Please give me what I need so we can live a joyful and productive life!". It's when we're not listening during every day, while we are taking our lives and our health for granted that we may be unaware of many opportunities for healing awareness and growth. I am realizing this about myself. I had been so busy doing and being, I wasnt really listening to what my body needs! Now, I am all ears! I am listening Universe! You have my attention! As I write this my left eye is twitching very stranglely. I am trying to rehydrate as much as possible as this virus definately dehydrates you! I also just made myself a very healthy breakfast and took my vitamins. I am trying to push fluids as much as possible and take the best care of myself that I am able to. It is alot of work, this self care and its really new to me to love myself at this level! I feel like Ive been put into a time out by the Universe! Not as a punishment, more as a sabbatical. I do not have the endurance to do all the things on my to do list. I have so many lists and things to do! Such as, organzie my life, clean, purge, build a new foundation for my life, redefine my career and upgrade my business in alignment with the new whole me! I have been in transition for a few years after separating from my husband. In two years, I have moved my home twice, moved my office location twice and have experienced many uprooting changes. All of this plays a factor into my current state of health. I was on auto-pilot trying to survive like the rest of us in Massachusetts. ( As those of us live here know, it is a very expensive and wonderful place to live). I was burning the candle at both ends , running a business and working as a nurse with chroinic lyme and RA. I have learned how to manage living with this disease, but when Cov hit and I had to close my business temporarily, I went to work as a nurse full time. This is how I truly burnt myself to a crisp! I was taking all the precautions, wearing the PPE. I was working on the floor they designated for COV. I was nervous, very nervous as the nursing home I felt wasnt taking it as seriously as I would have liked. The PPE came, but very late and very limited. We never did recieve N95 masks, but I was lucky enough to have some donated to me which I shared with the staff. I did contract virus anyhow! They stopped having visitors, but allowed staff to go to different floors, and though they were great about not allowing visitors to stop the spread of the virus, they were allowing admissions which created a big risk for us all. Patients need care and we all must do what we can to help, but many times unfortuantely, it seems like money can be the motivating factor in making decisions, when really safety and health should be the priority. We are all naviagatign through this novel virus and trying to figure out how to proceed. I am not resentful, but aware of what we could have done better in the nursing home. I spoke my truth, but my voice and opinion does not generate revenue, so it falls deaf on dumb ears. I decided to become empowered and arm up on vitamins, herbs, essential oils, affirmations, prayer, rest and reiki. I felt strong and like I could do this! I thought I may contract the virus, but I knew I would be ok. I am not as ok yet as I would like to be, but I am keeping vigilant at self care, self love and R&R!
I am no stranger to self care. I have been on this holistic, and spiritual path as long as I can remember. I have always been very connected to nature, inquisitive, spiritual and intuitve. I have been cultivating these blessings for 51 years now and it feels like I am good and ready to start honoring all parts of me, to listen to my needs and to embrace full empowerment now. I am ready! I am calling back all the power I have ever given away, cutting all chords and energies to people , places and things that no longer serve me! I am loving and honoring my needs! It has been a hard learned lesson through the years. I have been healing old traumas from my past, ptsd, and all the effects this created in my life, the thoughts and behaviors that needed to be upgraded. Healing patterns and choices that werent serving my highest good and relearning and growing upon my path to self realization and spiritual connection. I am a seeker. I am a medicine woman, I am a musician, I am a seer, a poet and a lover of nature.
I have been on this self healing journey my whole life, but not it is amped up as I deal with this post viral fatifue sydrome. I also had a pretty severe case of lyme disease in my 30's that i have had some chronic side effects from. I have learned how to manage this, so I thought, but during this pause I realize that my management team needed a takeover by my soul! Balancing and managing my symptoms regualrly had become a new normal for me pre cov, but now throught this healing awareness I am seeing that I was not gentle enough with my bodies needs. I was not fully listening . My body was speaking, hurtin, but I was tough and trying to keep moving forward and ignoring what she was saying! I have felt a deep connection to my soul and she is speaking while my mind is on sabbatical. My soul tells me I am worthy of all healing. I am truly worthy of all self nurturance, compassion, gentleness and grace. This is a total surrender! I am on my knees saying help me please! I am reaching to the depths of myself, spirit for answers and blessings, and as a result I am creating space to listen! I am listening! Wow, what I am hearing is amazing. Its like all the parts of me are being collected, reintegrated and made whole. I have been doing clearing and healing for years, and it feels like this is the super intense fire work display at the end of a firework show! Bang! Pop! My mind is exploding with creative visions, ideas, dreams and a deep inner knowing. It is an amzing display of color, thought, words, feelings and sensings. I am fully present and alive in this moment, in this body! Where have I been my whole life? I have called back parts of me through soul retrieval work. My self healing and prayer has triggerred an outpouring of Universal, spiritual and human support! Help me! I am in need of healing! I have been surrendering deeply, opening myself up to be vulnerable here, asking for all spiritual and human support and it has been so liberating yet also extrememly terrifying! Who is the new Michelle emerging? It appears to be the original me, the lost voice that was hiding in the shadows, too ashamed to speak. She always felt like she was a little weird , and had been called 'dramatic, freakish, weird ' and many more insults. I have transcended and forgiven this. These were my struggles to overcome to make me stronger. I am grateful to be present fully here now, aligning to my soul and my souls highest path. This recent healing experience with Cov has been so difficult, challenging and the most enlightening experience of my life. I know I had been doing alot of healing work on myself and others leading up to this. I have been committed to this path personally for my own growth, and committed to this professionally to help my clients empwoerment and healing. This is my passion! Helping others heal is a blessing and a gift I am honored to do. I am grateful to do what I love! It is interesting I am seeing the patterns and challenges , the skills and experiences, the blessings and lessons all as part of the whole. Its like my lens has expanded and everything is in sharp focus. I have reawakened to a new and heightened state of existence! I believe it is the 5th dimension , the energy of love I am told by my spirit guides. I am worn out Ive been writing for a few hours and need to nap.
I have always felt drawn to natural ways of healing. When I found Reiki in my mid 20's it was such a gift. Reiki has helped me relax and taught me how to assist my body towards healing.
1/30/19
Blog Post Transparency, vulnerability and song writing
I wrote a song a few years ago called Sheer and the chorus goes like this: "Sheer like transparency, shine a light you can see right through me, Sheer transparency, don't you know I wear my heart on my sleeve." It's interesting how songs can have deeper meanings years later as you uncover and heal deeper parts of yourself. I wrote this song over 15 years ago, but recently realized it was about me always feeling the need to please people, or project some image expected of me. The song is still a little elusive (ironic since its about being transparent), but I do like to be complicated! Another part of the chorus is "Mirror mirror upon the wall, do you like what your looking for, your vision has forsaken me" Crazy, I write these things and then have to figure out what the song is trying to say to me! Sometimes songs come fully written and downloaded into my brain on a subconscious level, (meaning I dont analyze and think , it comes fully completed). In my creative zeal, I just let it flow as I feel each song has a life of its own and something to share with me! I have this idea that songs are like clouds floating in the sky and its up to me to catch the idea and create it or it will float off to someone else! I am part of the process, yes, but very much on a deep and creative level as opposed to a more analytical and thinking level. Song writing and performing make me feel very naked, exposed and vulnerable. Who wants to hear what I have to say anyways? Then there's that, the insecurity! I recently joined a chorus for practice purposes and am so happy with the joy singing in a group has brought me! Singing in a group is wonderful, it brings back all my fond memories of school band. Yes, I am still a total band geek (though we never went to band camp, we did go to California.
As a musician my whole life you think I would get over the insecurity, but it is something many artists experience. ( I have many amazingly talented musician friends who still struggle with self worth and stage fright). At least, I'm not alone here! I played saxophone all through grade school and up until I was 30ish. In my 20's I sang in a cover band and played sax. For some reason singing cover songs and performing with a full band was very comfortable for me. When I realized I am a singer songwriter in my late 20's and that the saxophone wasn't an ideal instrument for this, I started to learn guitar, and still am learning!
I taught myself the basics to be able to write the songs and lyrics in my head. I am still learning to play better these days and would like to find more time to practice and perform. It may be my stage fright that holds me back. It's pretty intimidating to write and perform your own songs! Cover songs are easy you can imitate the artist, but when performing your own original work, it feels like I'm handing my soul to the audience on a silver platter! I have been kind of stuck musically for a while now and I'm not sure why. I know I need to make more time to practice for sure! I should push myself to perform more, get out of my comfort zone. I have so many amazing musician friends that support and encourage me. The musical community on the South Shore is amazing, you could go to an open mic every night (maybe 2 or 3)! The opportunities are endless! I do struggle with getting out there, partially because I am tired alot from the chronic lyme disease and partially because I am stuck musically. I have a ton (possibly hundreds) of songs ready to be written, little snippets of choruses and melodies and ideas I've recorded on my phone. Everything is a song to me! Lyrics come easy to me as my brain is always seeking to explain and express itself! Painters, paint beauty on canvas and musicians record life with music! I like to think that musicians harmonize the vibrations of life! Meaning we take all experiences we witness and make it into something cathartic and somehow this hopefully shifts the experience into something greater.
I turned 50 this year and am really trying to let my inhibitions go and allow my authentic self to be free. Sounds easier than it is! I have done a lot of self healing in my 25 years practicing Reiki and spirituality and am getting there.. It's not an easy task shedding years of society's, and family projections of who I'm supposed to be or not be! I am giving myself permission to be me! I am forgiving myself and others for not knowing any better! I think my first blog last summer touched on this also. I am shedding all projections, expectations, judgements from self and others and allowing myself to just be me. Me is pretty cool. She is very open minded, creative, spiritual, loving and authentic. She can also be impatient, impulsive and a bit crazy at times! I accept all parts of me and have stopped trying so hard to please, to be good, to be perfect and so on. Within this acceptance of myself lies my vulnerability and strength. As I shed all the false projections, delusions and images of who I'm not, there I stand naked and alone. Wow, it's scary to let your guard down and be honest with yourself and others. This has taken me a lifetime and I'm only on the threshold of it! So Cheers to being vulnerable and open! I am stepping out of the closet so to speak. Not sexually, but creatively and spiritually! This may scare others who've known me as the old me. I'm not trying to be radical here, only authentic! I just want to be able to wear, say, perform and be who I want to! We all should do this! I have a lot to say and I'm honestly a little afraid of being fully transparent. But, I am courageous and will do it anyways, because I know it is necessary for me to be the artist, healer, minister, and author I wish to be! I feel a little sad it has taken me this long to let myself be me but I was busy being a mom and learning and growing. I think I have a lot of earned wisdom to share! I've made a lot of mistakes and learned from them! My spiritual path has brought me so many blessings, miracles and magic and my heart is full of love and hope to share!
The younger me was waiting for my life to be in better order, for me to be more "perfect" and just to get my act together! The 50 year old wiser woman is still wanting to get her act together, but is moving forward anyhow. I am willing to expose my insecurities, fears, failures and my learned wisdom, lessons and my abundant creativity. A friend said to me recently after reading my last blog post, " I was surprised you shared so much personal information with your clients" . I really appreciated her feedback and its worthy of noting here. I think especially in spiritual circles where there can be a "guru mentality" to power over instead of personal power. I feel my strength is in my truth and vulnerability. Sometimes I see the look of concern or surprise on my clients face when I share a lesson or experience I have gone through. I share personal information in sessions when I feel its helpful to the client, not to bring attention to me. I try to empower my clients by giving them tools they can use to heal themselves!
Strength is in being vulnerable I feel. Truth is scary but so liberating! I am stepping out of the spiritual closet in my personal, professional and musical life and it feels like freedom! I am excited about all the things I can create as I allow all parts of me to create this new way of living!
FREAK FLAG
(Song I wrote still needs music)
I’m coming out of the closet
Not the one you think
Don’t be afraid
Open your heart and mind
The truth isn’t hard to find
I’m going to let my freak flag high
Gonna fly it up high
See how you like me now
Leaving behind all I thought I was
To be the me that was hiding
To scared to show her face
You always said I was weird
So now I’m gonna prove you right!
I’m a freakish delight
Gonna shine a bright light
Show you the way
Inhibitions cast free
Here’s the real me
I don’t give a crap anymore
Must be because I’m old
I don’t want to hurt you
But I just can’t believe
All the lies I’ve been told
I’m gonna let my freak flag high
Rainbow in the sky
Stepping out of this prison
I put myself in
Gonna let my inhibitions go
You never did know
Who this girl really was
Now she is free
It’s not about sexuality
Relax your evil eye
It’s not about religion
Or the sins of man
This world is a kaleidoscope
And I am a seer
I see in living color
There’s nothing to fear!
All the paths lead home
All souls are the same color
Let your freak flag fly
Fly it up high
Unicorns, rainbows and magic
It’s the only way to be
Cast away your persecutions
And look in the mirror
Nothing is black and white
That’s artistic execution
It’s a big beautiful world
So many ways to be
Limitless possibilities
Set your mind free
Loose your cranky lies
See through the illusion
Of all that they tell you
Untruths and contusion
Let your freak flag fly
Set your spirit free
Let’s take a ride
Come along with me
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